In many ways the timing of this all coming together, is a terrific reflection of life and what an interesting journey that it is.
Three years ago, I first typed the words ‘Life Integrated’. It was a concept, a feeling of a possibility, the hint of things that could possibly be… maybe … if I was lucky. I fumbled with the concept, struggled in frustration trying to make each of my days better; fighting to get out of bed each morning, and fighting to go to sleep each night. Using anything I could find to help with each of those actions, coffee, nicotine, or what ever stimulants I could find including prescription medications for ADD, to get myself going every morning. Then alcohol, Melatonin, St. Johns Wort, and other medications to get myself to sleep each night.
Still each day was filled with frustrations, angst, anxiety, and conflict. Internally and externally I was a mess; fighting to balance all that I had fought to obtain and buy with my life so far. I was trying to make everything balanced,
I was flogging myself daily. With food, lack of activity, self-talk, with any other tool I had at my disposal.
Somehow, through my fogged existence, the concept changed … morphed … and the words changed and morphed into … ‘ Life InteGREATed’.
Like the hint of rain on a spring breeze, this thing teased my soul with a possibility.
But it was just that a tease, a hint, something just beyond my grasp … my understanding. This thing was a vapor that I could not grasp in my hands, I knew it was there but I could not touch it … grasp it … feel it. IT was REAL! IT was a TRUTH! And yet to me … it was no more smoke and mirrors.
Eventually I stopped fighting… stopped straining…. stopped pushing to grasp that thing.
Frustrated, disappointed in myself, in my failure to understand something that I knew was truth, in my continual self destructive struggle, I retreated from my perceived battle to understand.
Eventually I accepted my failure. Eventually I embraced it into my soul. Eventually … I stopped trying.
Eventually… I finally just started BEing!
Yes, then ‘BEing’ was really just waking up, facing my day without self destructive behavior, and going to sleep without ‘help’. But it was GLORIOUS! JOYFUL! IT was MAGNIFICENT!
BEing … (I choose to write it in this manner as a visual reminder of the importance of the word in its context). Learning to BE. Damn that shit was hard! I continually jump back into what I used to know. Finding ways to numb myself.
So back to the timing…
Several times of the past three years, I have tried to push my way to getting this page and blog launched. Out .. expressed… shared with whoever wanted to explore this with me.
Each time it just didn’t happen.
This time I am a different being. Being differently! I have people in my life with skills, inspiration, acceptance, love, and just enough kick in the ass to make it appear.
Today… Spring is coming
Today… Rain drops beat steadily on my shaved head
Today… I can just BE.
BE knowing that I am not complete. Knowing that BEing is more than enough for me to have a GREAT life. Or maybe if I am very fortunate…
A ‘Life InteGREATed’!