My journey of discovering that there is more to life than working long hours, traveling three out of four weeks a month, getting paid then buying things, only to not enjoy or value them, and then begin the entire cycle all over again.
I worked at least five days a week, ten hours a day, and then spent two days making the things I bought, with my slowly dripping away life, look new and shiny. It was the American Dream, work harder to buy stuff, so you could work harder to buy more stuff.
IT WAS DEPRESSING … EXHAUSTING … and frankly FUTILE!
So I started trying to achieve “Work – Life Balance’ … Whatever the heck that is…
I thought and assumed that as I searched and worked to create the balance in my life I would find satisfaction, contentment, and maybe even some measure of peace. Yet month after month went by, I forced a balance between work, family. and personal time, and I grew more and more frustrated. A tempest raged in my soul that seemed to grow with each passing day as I tried to force each part of my life into a segment that was balanced perfectly with the other segments of my life.
In the end, I lost all those things I sought to keep in balance. My childhood dreams; a home I owned, a company, and a family … all gone, along with my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. I lost myself, I had no idea who I was any longer, And that is when I understood something…
The concept of BALANCE had was one of opposing forces exerting the exact same amount of force on an object. Exactly centered, exactly balanced, exactly… exactly… the slightest increase or decrease and the other forces must immediately compensate or the entire structure would tumble down.
I began to realize, over time, and through reflection that I did NOT want balance. I did not want forces, aspects of my life, OPPOSING each other. Each in being regularly managed and monitored to ensure it is no greater or lesser than any other aspect of life. I wanted something MORE … I WANT more!
I was taught that boys don’t cry. That to want it all is greedy, To work hard.
I was taught there are winners and losers. That there are successes and failures. That there are rich and poor.
I was taught so many things that I now know to be complete foolishness. Things designed to control behavior, muzzle the poets, and silence the greatness in us all.
So that brings me to my now. This moment as I type these words on a screen. I still want more.
I want my life to be integrated, TOGETHER, ALL-INCLUSIVE. I want to bring all of me, to all of my life. I do want to show up to work and leave some aspect of who I am at home. I want my poet, my philosopher, my exuberant youth, skeptical brain, daring risk taker, calculating decision maker, creative soul, sardonic humor, and my jaded wit to work, to play, to my relationships.
So here it is… my seeking of my life…